Chakra Bar

I've always been an ardent fan of science fiction. From the senseless but adorable Doughlas Adams to the gripping classic Asimov, I've absorbed all the sci-fi I could lay my organic appendages upon.


Hmm... what follows here is not an original article (for a change). I got this story as an email forward several years ago. I put this up here as a tribute to the unknown author of one of the most weird pieces of science fiction I've ever seen. I know it’s a long story, but once you start off you can’t stop reading it. At the end you will feel you should've been dead before you read it. Go ahead... taste the eeeewwww feeling for a change. Don't say I didn't warn you :) And if you are the author or know the author of this story, please do contact me. I have a promise to fulfil!!

Mono-Act: Chakra Bar!

1975 Jan 1

It was about five in the morning. Father (I am not bothering with names) woke up with a start. Many years had passed since he had founded the orphanage. He had named it ‘X-Orphanage’, a rather funny name. But looking back, everything about his life seemed funny now. Hearing some noise outside, Father decided to have a look.

A child lay there in front of the orphanage. It was a girl. Seeing her abandoned like this in the cold morning, Father felt a sense of anger for the merciless being who had thrown her away like this. He took her in his arms. He would raise her like his own child.

17 Years Later

The girl had now grown up. She was now staying at a hostel. She met a man and fell in love with him. Soon she got pregnant. But the man disappeared. She was thrown out of the Hostel. Father came and took her back to the orphanage. She gave birth to a girl, but the baby was mysteriously stolen. Unable to bear all this, the Father committed suicide.

5 years later

Due to some serious health problems, the girl went to see a Doctor. The doctor having examined her, said with a sad expression on his face, “Adrenalo Sytosis, a serious case of hormone imbalance”. An operation was performed in which the doctor had to change the sex of the patient. The girl was now transformed into a man.

The man was very depressed because he had lost his child, his father had committed suicide, his lover had betrayed him, he had to change sex and so on. He eventually took to drinking.

One day he saw that a new bar called ‘Chakra Bar’ had opened in his locality. He went in. He saw a bearded man to whom he related his sad tale. The bearded man took pity on him and told him that he had a Time Machine and that he could use it to change his past. He accepted the gift from the bearded man. He decided to go to the past (to the year 1992) and started the Time Machine.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1992

The man arrived with the Time Machine in the year 1992. There he met a girl and fell in love with her. The girl got pregnant. The man, unwilling to marry her, left the town. He went to another city, earned some money and five years later came back to the city where the girl lived. Wanting to conceal his identity, he grew a beard. He started a bar named 'Chakra Bar'. One day a man came to the bar and narrated a sorrow tale. Out of compassion, he gave the Time Machine to the man. The man started the Time Machine and went back to the past.

Suddenly a man wearing a mask came into the bar. He pointed a gun at the bearded man. He said that he had a Time Machine and forced the bearded man into it along with himself. Taking the bearded man with him, the masked man started the Time Machine.

When they reached the past, the masked man suddenly gave the Time Machine to the bearded man and ran away. The bearded man found himself in front of X-Orphanage. He went inside and found a woman lying there with her new born baby. It was a girl. Since the mother lay unconscious and there wasn’t anyone else nearby to take care of the girl, he took the girl and started the Time Machine to go to the past.

1975 Jan 1

The bearded man arrived with the girl. Thinking that it was the best place for the child, he left her in front of X-Orphanage. He joined a college, studied hard and became a doctor. One day a woman was brought to the hospital. He examined her and found that it was a serious case of 'Adrenalo Sytosis'. He performed an operation in which he had to change her sex. One day, fed up with the complexities of modern life, he started the Time Machine and went back in time.

1968 May 12

He arrived at a time of great famine and suffering. Seeing all this, he decided to become a priest and serve the people. He started an orphanage and named it 'X-Orphanage'.

Years later, he found a girl lying in front of the orphanage. He took her and brought her up like his own child.

Many years later he heard that the girl was pregnant and was thrown out of the hostel. He brought her back to X-Orphanage. She gave birth to a girl and fell unconscious. The father desperately searched for help, but since there was no-one nearby to help him, he decided to bring a person back from the future. He wore a mask, took a gun for protection and started the Time Machine. He materialized in front of 'Chakra Bar'. He went inside, found a bearded man and forced him to travel with him to the past.

Reaching the past, he felt very guilty about forcing the bearded man to come with him. He gave the Time Machine to the bearded man and ran away to see his daughter. When he reached there, he heard the sad news from his daughter that the baby was stolen. Unable to bear the sorrow, he committed suicide.

THE END

What's in a name?

The story begins in the Cognizant Academy training hall at Bangalore, where I, a fresher then (in late 2003), was being trained on Java by Tarun Elankath. Tarun ate, drank and talked Java. He has been one of my idols ever since I met him, although he left Cognizant some time after teaching us. He has his own blog here (click at your own risk): jroller.com/page/lenkite. Anyway… he drilled Java into our brains for 4 days at a stretch, leaving us with a great softwarocomplexophobia towards programming in general and Java in particular. I didn’t understand much Java then, but I did get to know it was incredibly complex behind the scenes. That’s when I wrote a humerous article on how it might be to interview such a hardcore techie.

By great good fortune, after many months of joining CTS I met yet another such radiant personality in one of my projects; Kenny Kuriakose. Kenny was born with a Java compiler CD in his mouth. He could build Enterprise Software before he learnt how to tie his shoelaces and passed the Sun Business and Enterprise Architecture Certification exams before joining kindergarten. One day I just ‘Kenny’-ised my article on Tarun and mailed it to his batchmates. The article has been doing so many rounds in people’s inboxes since then that I thought I should give it a permanent place on the net.

Kenny has a characteristic way of speaking that really endears him to people, making heavy statements while holding up his hand to show the palm, as if he were a Java Guru blessing all his listeners with coding abilities. Maybe people who haven’t met this character won’t enjoy this article, because many statements here are typical of Kenny’s way of speech and make sense only when imagined to be said by him.

Stautory warning: This is a completely unreadable article. Knowledge of Object Oriented Programming is necessary to tolerate the article. No characters in this story are fictious and any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely intentional.

(The article has been slightly abridged to remove statements that might otherwise have given the lawyers of CTS an opportunity to earn extra money)

‘Literally’ yours,
-Parag

What's in a name?

Kenny, a young and prospective 'Language Developer' gently pushed open the door of the interview room. With a very confident smile, he peered inside and said, “Hello sir, may I come in?”

Subeer Bakshi, an experienced, resourceful human in the human resources dept. of CTS was quite ready to scare the guts out of another candidate. “Hello,” he said, “Please do come in.” Kenny merely said, “Thanks.” and softly entered the room with a thousand ideas running in his mind. Subeer Bakshi indicated a chair, “Please, have a seat.” Kenny responded heartily, “Thank you very much.” and sat down, swinging a giant bag of books over the table.

Wanting to get familiar with the new face, Subeer asked Kenny, “So... what is your name?”

Greatly happy at being asked a question, Kenny held up his forefinger and said, “Aaa… That’s actually a very interesting question. My name belongs to the Domain Namespace ‘Kuriakose’. My name, which is an Abstraction containing three parts, Uniquely identifies me as a Leaf Node in my ancestral Hierarchy. I mean, aaa… the Keyword ‘Kenny’, which is the first part of my name, is the Class Identifier which when Passed by Reference to the second and third parts of my name, uniquely identifies me. ‘Kenny’ is also a Root Directory, in the sense that it does not Inherit any Attributes from any other Namespace. The second part of my name, ‘Joe’, is a Static keyword that Extends my Parent Class. I hope you are able to Compile what I am telling you.

The third part of my name, viz. aaa… ‘Kuriakose’, is the most interesting part. Although it is an Extension of my Namespace, it is a very good example for Multiple, Multilevel Inheritance. You know, among all my Parental Nodes, exactly half were instances of Male Class and the other half were Objects of Female Type! Aaa… That’s actually the best thing about my name! The third part of my name is also a Constructor that Instantiated and Initialized my name as soon as I was born until a formal Declaration was done at the naming ceremony.”

Subeer Bakshi appeared to have been hit by a whirlwind. He collected himself and managed to cut Kenny out; “Okay, okay. Sorry for asking that question. Can I continue with my next question?”

The prospective candidate was not displaced so easily. The forefinger had now been replaced with the entire palm. “Yes of course, but first aaa… let’s understand the simple fundas properly. ‘Kenny Joe Kuriakose’ is an excellent example for Encapsulation. You must be knowing about Encapsulation, right? Access Control mechanisms? Private, Public…blah blah blah blah. The three parts of my name have Access Specifiers as Private, Protected and Public, respectively. I hope you are not getting aaa… bored. Am I going too slow?"

Subeer was stumped at this question. Before he could utter a word, Kenny, the Persistent one continued, "So as I was telling you, ‘Kenny Joe Kuriakose’ is a particular instance of the Template Class Name. And since my name represents me, who am an object, it is Simple, Object Oriented, and Architecture - Neutral. The strange thing about my aaa… name is that although it does not return any Arguments, it still cannot be declared Void! You can call me ‘K. J. Kuriakose’, or ‘K. J. Kenny’, which are different Function Calls that generate the same Result. So aaa… Polymorphism is a built-in feature of my name. That’s why my name is actually quite famous; in fact, ever since I graduated from HKBK college, it has become better known as Hai Kenny Bye Kenny college. Now let me tell you about the Security features of my name.”

Subeer Bakshi was, by this time, actually down on his knees, desperately crying, “Stop! Stop! It is more than evident that you think in Java. I promise you that you shall be selected into the company, but for James Gosling’s sake, stop!” Kenny was startled at his naivety, and said, “But… but you were going to ask me some question, no?”

His face becoming red at the very thought of asking another question, Subeer lamented, “Am I mad? I tell you, you are already selected!”

Kenny shrugged his shoulders, got up from his seat, slung his bag of books over his shoulder and walked towards the door, pleased at the thought of enlightening another ignorant soul. But his explanation was still somehow incomplete. As he opened the door to go out, he could not contain himself. He turned around to his now pale-faced interviewer, and said with a most earnest face, not to mention the forefinger, “Speaking of my name, you may like to visit my personal website: www.mynameiskennyjoekuriakoseandiknowjavarealgood.com. Aaa… It has a beautiful left-nav (Kenny was involved in building the left-nav of our project website and was very passionate about it). It also has a games section where you can play interesting games, such as cursing people by moving the cursor over them. There is also a dating section where you can search partners based on their level of SUN certification.”


(As a matter of fact, Kenny is one of the sweetest people I've ever met, and I'm proud of his friendship.)

My Poor Little Inf(y)amous Company!

Ok, presenting my first non-trivial blog! This is a (supposedly) sarco-humerous article I wrote when I was just about to complete 1 year as a software engineer in Cognizant Technology Solutions. This article was published in the company's monthly magazine.

There is a lot of background behind the story. It is a true incident that I found funny. For the uninitiated, CTS and Infosys are two great software services companies in India. Infy has kindof become an unofficial face of Indian techies. This article portrays the feelings of a person who is working for a company that is (was) not so well known to the local junta (atleast in Bangalore). Even while ordering a Pizza to be delivered to the office, I'd have to repeat the name of the company many times before finally resorting to spelling it out!

Maybe the Infocians would be enraged on reading the article but before they set their lawyers on my tail, let me declare that I have nothing against any company. I was just trying to emphasize how little known CTS was, as compared to the giant Infy. Maybe the situation doesn't exist any more, but the hell... here goes!

My Poor Little Inf(y)amous Company!

I have heard many a people ask that question before. “What are you doing?”

I have heard many a people give that answer before. “I’m working in Infosys”

I have heard many a people express that comment before. “Ooooo…!”

I heard that question again the other day. “What are you doing?”

This time the enquirer was a family friend of ours, who went by the name of Iyer. His only son only worked… guess where… in India’s only company - Infosys.

I have given that answer many a times before. “I’m working for Cognizant.”

I’ve heard many a people wanting to hear that again, just as Mr. Iyer was, “Yenna? Where?”

“Cognizant. Cognizant Technology Solutions. It’s an IT solutions firm.”

I’ve seen many a people blink after that answer. After a brief pause of assimilation (or misassimilation), Iyer said, “What solutions? You mean…. software? Something like Infosys?” Long company names were probably not his cup of coffee. (His only son worked in only Infosys)

I didn’t want to say it, but as many times before, I ended up saying “Yes”. I didn’t want to hear it, but many a times I get to hear the same reply accompanied by the same pitiful look as was being presented to me then. “Don’t worry. Keep trying for Infosys. You’ll make it someday. Send your bio-data form (meaning resume) to my son.” He said.

Everytime that leaves me stupefied, but I don’t even attempt to clear up the muddle. I hope the rest of the Coggies don’t eat me alive for failing to defend the company reputation.

Understandably, Mr. Iyer was one among the breed of ‘fathers of successful software professionals’. He gave the impression that after passing through millions of births in the bodies of all lower organisms, you, the immortal soul, have evolved to accept the body of a Human Being. Now that you have obtained this incredibly rare form of life, that too being born in this land of intrinsically intelligent people, it is an utter waste if you cannot make it into Infosys.

But wait… I left my conversation behind… Most people would stop at that, but being slightly bright among inquirers, Iyer went a step higher. “But… you are a Mechanic, no? Then how are you doing software work?” This generally is too much for me. As a Mechanical Engineer, I get wild enough when people mix up ‘break’ and ‘brake’, but mixing up a Mechanical Engineer with a Mechanic makes me click my toungue in distaste. When asked a question that deserves no answer, I generally answer with a question, “If I do my graduation in Chemical Engineering, would I become a Chemist?” That invariably drives the nail, but Mr. Iyer was of persistent type. “But why does Co… eer… your company… need mechanics to work on the computer?” (His only son studied only computer science and worked only in Infosys)

That was precisely the question I had dared to ask my interviewers (had I known the seriousness of the interview procedure then, I wouldn’t have done it). The answer I got from a startled face was, “Why! We need people who are unbiased!” (they couldn’t explain it beyond this, maybe that’s why they selected me; so that I could experience it first hand). Anyway, I just babbled the same reason to Iyer. “They wanted unbiased people.”

“How do you feel about working? Especially in a software company?” He asked next.

“Well,” I began. “In the beginning of course was the welcome change in life; from college to office, from student to professional.” He smiled as a metaphoric phrase suddenly struck him, “From learning to yearning!”. I couldn’t help agreeing with him as his accent made him pronounce ‘earning’ as ‘yearning’. Sly as I am, I replied, “Well I’m earning a little. But I haven’t stopped learning”. He overtook me with an unbeatable one, “You are still learning to yearn!” We both laughed (I, for a different reason). He continued, “My son yearns handsomely. Of course, he is never there to yenjoy his yearnings yexcept on Sundays.” I laughed wryly, thankful for all the Saturdays my company allowed me to spend at home (I hope that won’t change).

“How do you go to your office?” He asked. I pointed out my bike, emphasizing the fact that I bought it with my own money within two months of joining my company. I hoped he was atleast remotely impressed by that. But no. In all probability he hadn’t even been listening to my reply. “My son has to walk only 100 mtrs in the morning and the company bus picks him up!” I wanted to tell him that I travel 10 kms right into the heart of the city while his only son, after crossing that 100 mtrs mark, took only 100 minutes to get wherever he went. But I held shut. I wouldn’t have even bothered to write this article but for the rest of the conversation.

“They have nine restaurants within the campus.” The guy was hell-bent on proving what? I didn’t know. I found solace in keeping mum although the choicest multicuisine restaurants of Bangalore were a stone’s throw from where I… chuck it.

The vocal masquerade went on for quite a while, at the zenith of which, he finally took it as his duty to deliver me from the dark quagmire I had gotten myself into. “How long has it been since you are working?” he enquired. “Around one year” I said.
“Good. Then your bond must be coming to an end, no? Why don’t you send your bio-data form (meaning only resume) to my son?”

I smiled and said, “My company doesn’t have a bond.”
“What? Then your job is very insecure. As it is people get fired left and right in software companies. No bond means it becomes all the more yeasy for your company to fire you! You should never join such companies. They are very unpredictable! Irresponsible!”

I smiled as I recollected the famous HR statement that was told (even) to me during my interview. “The only bond in CTS is the emotional bond”. I relayed that to him.
“Just you send it across anyway.”
“O.K” said I (only to please him. I haven’t actually done it, HR please note).

That was about a month ago. What prompted me to write this article was that a week ago I met my friend (who happened to be the only son of Mr. Iyer, and who had only worked in Infosys) in the elevator as I was going home from office. He had joined Co… eer… my company. When I asked him the reason, he gave me a bored look and said, “Yaar, I was yearning to leave Infosys!” (and I’ve never known him to have a tarnished accent).

(This article has been published only with due permission from my magnanimous friend)

-Parag

So... what's the menu?

What am I going to post on this blog? Hey, it's too early to say that. Frankly, I don't know. Maybe I'll post something I wrote, or something I read, or both or neither! Maybe something techie, something laymanish... something silly or something geeky... or just a silly joke :) Let's hope it ain't too harsh on your nerves! All fan/hate mails, copyright issues and advertising concerns may be directed to me at pardes@gmail.com :)

Ribbon-cutting blog

I hereby declare this blog open!! :)